What the! Where'd my bedroom go!
by DitzCat
Summary: Sandy, a typical Aussie female teen, and a LotR fan, finds out that she has great problems
1. What the ?

Disclaimer: None of the LOTR characters are mine, they're Tolkien's a genuninely great writer. My character, an Australian school girl from Sydney (I picked Sydney because I figured most Americans are really bad at world geography, as bad as they are at world politics) is named Sandy (yes, like Sandy from Grease) who is a revolutionary chic who loathes popular culture, especially soapies, popular clothes stores and most fashion statements.Most auxilary characters are mine too. If you haven't heard of them before, it's probably mine.  
  
Well, where to begin? I decided to write this story due to my frustrations with LOTR fanfics. Please, Aragorn and Legolas are not gay, neither are Sam and Frodo, nor are Merry and Pippin. Leave the hobbits alone, k? Hobbits are cute, I love all Fellowship members, except for Gimli because he's a dwarf and has a beard, and Gandalf because he's old and also has a beard. I will share a secret with you *winks* I frequently have sexual fantasies about Legolas, Aragorn and the Hobbits, sometimes with more then one of them at a time. *rolls around on the floor laughing hysterically* ; ) Bbbwwwaaaahhhhaahhh....I love scaring people, I'm not gay, just an appreciative member of the female teen race, but seriously here is my story.  
  
It begins with an ordinary high school girl, on a day that is relatively ordinary. Yep that's me down there lying on my bed. Ordinary beyond belief, and soooo boring.Responsible eldest child of two happily married people, sibling to a pair of bitchy sisters and an obnoxious brother, living a supposedly happy middle class life. Something is going to happen to make it a lot less boring. I am reading the seriously fab novel by Tolkien, "The Hobbit" starring Bilbo Baggins of the Shire. Ah, Hobbits. My discman is playing "The Lord of the Rings" soundtrack, and I recently watched the movie several times. It just keeps getting better every time! How can you not love Elijah Wood, as a Hobbit or as himself? But Legolas only looks good as Legolas, sorry! The whole movie is a drool fest, I think. Aragorn too is yummy, but to get back to the story...  
  
I have changed out of my uniform, which is really really bad because I go to a Catholic all girls high, and yes, there is a straw boater as part of summer uniform. It is summer down here in Australia, haha all you Americans and Europeans! It is gorgeously hot and I am dressed in my zip off cargos and a singlet top, which is electric blue. Contrary to popular fashion, *none* of my under wear is showing. Except for my bra straps, and they don't count. And it is not a tank top, or a boob tube, nor a peasant style frilly lace covered abomination.  
  
This whole peasant style thing is seriously overrated, I mean really stop and think about who peasants were. They were poor people, farming people, virtual property at some stages in history. They bred like rabbits and died as quickly. If I was a peasant, I sure as hell wouldn't be wearing designer clothing. I would be wearing rags, grimy ones. Maybe bloody ones, as medicine wasn't too good back then either.  
  
My beautiful cat, a non breed or a moggie jumps onto my bed. She is my darling baby girl but is called by members of my family and friends 'the psyoctic killer attack cat'. They don't appreciate her love for me that's all. She is very protective, and has drawn blood on several occasions. One child in my neighbourhood runs screaming away from her. She is actually rather small for a domestic cat which is why I am so suprised that she can cause so much fear and devastation. She is about a year old, a calico and I rescued her from the pound. Her name is Missy, which can be attributed to my mother. She walks across my bed and lies across my stomach purring loudly. I scratch her ears and continue reading.  
  
I enjoy reading, especially fantasy and science fiction novels. I really shouldn't be reading as it is year 11 prelims, but I'm bored. I'm sick of studying. Bilbo is tricking Gollum out of the Ring, using all those strange riddles. I mean really, what's in my pocket?! But it works, so who am I to quibble with Tolkien's magnificent stories? Anyways, I was happily reading about Gollum being tricked out of the Ring for about the fiftieth time when the air fuzzed around me and my comfortably messy bedroom disappeared. My cat didn't notice anything, but really did you expect her to? She is a cat, one of the smartest types of animals alive, but still just a cat! My bedroom, with its large bookcase, walk in robe, computer, stereo system and other assorted furniture disappeared to be replaced by an outdoors scene at night, complete with campfire, trees and insects.  
  
The first thing I heard was 'Gandalf, I thought you knew what the #### you were doing! What the hell is this, a bed?! And who the #### is that?!'  
  
Obviously, my arrival here was as unexpected as my departure by me... Or to quote Rove McMannus 'What the?!'  
  
Do ya like it, huh, do ya? Well, I like it so ner! *Sticks tounge out at disapproving people* Please R+R as I like encouragement, doesn't every one? Sandy, yes, she is white and I'm sorry if that is not politically correct, oops, culturally acceptable. I write about characters I understand, and I am not a member of a minority. I don't want to offend them either by getting something wrong either. *Laughs hysterically* If you knew me in life, you would know that I am evil anyway. 


	2. What! Not a mary sue!

Welcome back peoples! What, no reviews *cries great salty tears* I am soo sad and depressed, I better get some reviews! Depression makes me violent *waves sharp knife*. None of the LOTR characters are mine, they are somebody elses's, and if you don't know who, I'm not telling *sticks tounge out* Sandy is mine *nudges Sandy, who waves* and Missy, her psychotic cat *Miaw, HHHIIIISSSS*. Evil cat. *Cringes as Sandy and Missy attack me* No, no what am I saying, beautiful cat! Beautiful cat! *dabs antiseptic on scratches* Well, anyway I refuse to let Sandy fall in love with any of the characters, or any of them with her. She is not a blinking mary sue, k? But I am!! lol. She is not stunningly beautiful *cringes*, nor especially proficent with weapons. She is just an ordinary girl, with an ordinary life who is brought into Middle Earth by one of Gandalf's spell stuff ups. Stupid old man, he's senile now. *dances around oddly* Sugar, oh, sugar! I love sugar! Hooray for sugar and the crazy things it makes me do! Any way, back to the story. Note, words in * * is Missy's thoughts. That cat scares me.  
  
Having just been plucked out of my bedroom, and incidentally my entire world, I start to scream "AAAAAHHHH! RAPE!!RAPE!!!HELP, HELP, I'M BEING SEXUALLY HARRASSED!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!" Then I consider what the voice said, "Gandalf?! I'm not a mary sue, and you can't make me be one! I'm not a ####ing mary sue! I"M NOT A ####ING MARY SUE!!!"  
  
"Excuse, but what's a mary sue?" says a confused voice.  
  
"Gandalf you promised us a warrior, to aid in our quest. This is not a warrior. This is a screaming human girl. Where is the warrior?" a very cool and sardonic voice asks. Missy decides that enough is enough and attacks the cool and sardonic voice. She's so protective and so cute, the brave little darling! "What the #### is this thing?! Get it off, get it off!" From what I can see and hear in the darkness, the owner of the cool and sardonic voice is now in great pain. I laugh at the person. Then it raises a hand which has something metal in it.  
  
I jump off the bed yelling "Don't you dare hurt Missy!" I reach the figure and start to detach my cat, who is happily gnawing at the guy's ankle, who has blond hair. I groan mentally, it would have to be Legolas, wouldn't it? Stupid Elf. "You're a beautiful girl, Missy, but let go now. I think he wants to keep that foot, and if I am where I think I am, he needs the foot. Let go." I yerk her off his foot. Missy licks her lips and vibrates with fury.  
  
*Elf blood tastes good! Better then human blood, sweeeettt bllllooooddd. More, let me at that Elf! Please oh please oh please say it's all right to get him, please Sandyhuman*  
  
"Sorry, she's very protective. Plays hell with boyfriends, I can tell you." Looking around, I can see eight other people besides blondie, two hot guys, an old guy, a really hairy short guy and four really short guys. Yep, you guessed it Aragorn, Boromir, Gandalf, Gimli and the Hobbits. Hobbits, yay!  
  
"What is that thing?! Look what it did to my ankle! Lucky I'm an Elf, or I'd be scarred for life." Legolas is looking at my cat which I am attempting to calm.  
  
*Blood, must have blood...so good, gimme, gimme, gimme! Sandyhuman, please!* Missy continues to stare fixedly at Legolas' ankle area.  
  
"As I said before," He says turning to Gandalf," I thought you knew what the #### you were doing!"  
  
"This is my cat, Missy. She's a gorgeus baby girl. Aren't you precious? Yes you are, yes you are!"  
  
The Fellowship: o.0  
  
"Well, I'd like to know what I'm doing here too, ya know!"  
  
One of the hot guys steps forward to speak for Gandalf, who is now giggling quietly. "I am Boromir, and Gandalf said he knew a spell that would bring a warrior from another world to assist us in our quest to destroy the One Ring. Unfortunately," Boromir frowns at Gandalf, "Gandalf has been smoking the Hobbits' pipeweed. And he failed spectacularily, as you can attest." The Hobbits scuff their feet and look at the ground. Gandalf is still giggling.  
  
"Ye can't blame it all on us! He had a stash of his own! And by the way, I'm Peregrin Took, but ye can call me Pippin." One of the Hobbits steps forwards. He's a hot guy in mini! Oh my god, mary sue thoughts! Help me, help me! I start banging my head against the ground. "Here, are you all right? Please stop!"  
  
I sit up groggily and explain, "In my world all you people are characters in a series of books called the Lord of the Rings. People like to hijack the characters and settings and write their own stories. Unfortunately, we happen to be trapped in a particularily hideous brand of fan fiction, the Mary Sue stories. In this, a girl, from Middle Earth or my world, falls in love with a character, and the character also falls in love with her." I shudder at the thought, "I was having mary sue thoughts about Pippin, thinking that he was really attractive. Sorry Pippin, but Hobbit Human relationships probably don't work well. So the influence of pain helped stop those horrible thoughts." During my head banging session, I let go of Missy who leaps gleefully back on Legolas' ankle.  
  
"Get this thing off me!! AAAAHHH!" I rescue Legolas again. Honestly, he's a lot braver in the books and the movie. Gimli snickers.  
  
"Serve you right, you bloody Elf! Ahhh, save me, save me, I'm an Elf being savaged by a girl's pet cat."  
  
"Gimli! Welcome, lady, I am Aragorn, also known as Strider." The other hot guy steps forward. Aaaaahhhhh, mary sue thoughts! At least I'm not attracted to Legolas or the other Hobbits yet. I bang my head against the ground again, then stand up woozily, holding Missy so she can't try and eat Legolas again."Let me guess, mary sue thoughts?"  
  
"Just be thankful none of you are attracted to Legolas. That's another common plot ploy. And which Hobbit is Samwise Gamgee?" Legolas looks around at the rest of the company and edges away, clutching at his ankle. A Hobbit steps forward looking confused. "If you ever, ever have thoughts about Frodo in THAT way, tell him, then run far, far away." Another Hobbit looks at him startled, and also edges away. "I can tell you the more common slash fantasies, most involve Legolas. Now I'm here in the flesh, I don't understand why." I say looking at Legolas, who looks relieved, but insulted at the same time. "Let me think, Aragorn and Legolas, Legolas and Haldir, Legolas and Boromir, Legolas and Gimli," At this set of relationships, they both look frightened, "Frodo and Sam, Legolas and Frodo, Legolas, Arwen, Boromir and Aragorn, Celeborn and Elrond, Elrond and Haldir I read once, Legolas and Orcs, Legolas and numerous beautiful girls," Legolas preens at the last one, "Aragorn and mary sues, Boromir and mary sues, Legolas and a wizard like Gandalf, but an evil one so it was non-con," They look confused, "Non consensual, rape, get it?" Legolas looks disgusted. "Merry and Pip, Merry and Estelle, Pip and Diamond, ummm, Galadriel and Elrond, Galadriel and Legolas, and once the twins of Elrond, Elladan and Elrohir together, and and so on and so forth." By now most of the Fellowship looks sick to their stomach.  
  
"And guess what Elf boy?" I say grinning evilly at Legolas, "Many of the relationships you're in are non-con! Aragorn rape slash, Boromir rape slash, once it was Haldir and several other Elves of Lothlorien rape slash, Orc rape slash, and so forth. But the one I read with Gimli it was a very willing relationship!" I laugh evilly at the look of horror that passes between the two. Legolas looks like he's about to faint. Oh, I'm not so evil. I decide to set their minds at rest. "But in my world Legolas, you are a spunk that all the girls wish they could screw. And so are Aragorn, Frodo, Merry and Pippin. Sorry, Sam. Boromir, yeah, him too. But never Gimli and never ever Gandalf. Any Elf basically, if they could get into my world, would have a bevy of girls and guys panting after them, you could spend the rest of your immortal life bouncing from one bed to the other if you wanted, Legolas."  
  
By now all the members of the fellowship are standing uneasily apart from one another. Boromir coughs, and says "But none of us think about men that way."  
  
Aragorn steps forward frowning, "And I am loyal to Lady Arwen."  
  
I roll my eyes "That's not the point! These people act out their fantasies through you guys. Heck, I once read a Gollum fanfic where a mary sue ####ed Gollum. And that is sick! I mean really, Gollum?!" The Fellowship nod in agreement. "So basically, I'll try to resist the mary sue thoughts, and you guys try real hard too, or you might end up minus some very valuble equipment." They instinctively shield their groins. "I won't do it, but Missy might."  
  
Gandalf stands up and giggling says "Well, let's try again!"  
  
"NNNNOOOOOO!!!!" We all make a collective rush for Gandalf, but fail to do it before the white mist and the sense of disorientation closes in....  
  
Bwwwaaaahhhahhhahhha! Let's all rubbish mary sue fics! Legolas scares too easily, but that cat is insane! Go the cat! I repeat, I will have no slash scenes, they are bad. Also no explicit sex, at least I hope not, I don't plan to. Go Sandy, let's scare the Fellowship out of their tiny minds at the thought of the possible relationships. *Repeat evil laughter*. Where do they end up at the institgation of the stoned wizard? Where can I get some of that Hobbit pipeweed? Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode! 


	3. Gandalf, you're still high

I feel so lov-ed! I have a review! *Hands out lollipop to reviewer*I'll continue writing with or without reviews, but reviews make me happy. Squeeeee!Just like sugar! And the **, you can't hear them, they're Missy's thoughts.  
  
Amazingly (or maybe not), we are in my bedroom. It's really, really cramped 'cause Gandalf brought the bed too. Thank goodness for that, I'd really hate to explain to my mum that my bed was in Middle Earth because of a stoned wizard! I can hear Missy snarling under the bed. Basically, we are are all on top of the bed in a heap with Gandalf on the bottom. The non- stoned Fellowship members get off me really quickly and try and stand around the bed. I sit on the bed next to Gandalf, who is still giggling and going 'whoops!'  
  
"Where are we now?" Asks Frodo.  
  
"My bedroom! I'm home!" The non-stoned Fellowship members all blush. I can see that at least Boromir and Legolas are standing on my clothes, which contain underwear. I like things where I can see them, k? "Boromir and Legolas, I hate to inform you of this, but you're standing on my clothes." They blush even redder and try to get off them. Wheeee! Blushing Elf! Ahhhh, mary sue thoughts! I bang my head against my copy of the Hobbit, which is hard cover.  
  
"Excuse me, but what is that?" Legolas asks reaching for the book.  
  
"This?" I wave my book, "This is one of the books about Middle Earth. It's called the Hobbit, and it's about Bilbo Baggins and the dragon, Smaugh and the dwarves and Gandalf. You can read it if you like, 'cause it's in the past. But you can't read the Lord of the Rings, cause that's in your future." I lower my voice and mutter, "At least I hope that's in your future."  
  
By now, Frodo is staring at my bookcase and running his hands longingly over the spines of the books. "You must be very rich, to own so many books. Why, I think even Bilbo didn't have so many and he collected them."  
  
"I'm not rich, books are cheap here. I can buy a book, for an amount of money that wouldn't even equal an hour's work. Which reminds me, no magic here, which means no Elves, no Hobbits, no dwarves and definetly no wizards. And no Orcs, Wargs, goblins or evil Dark Lords like Sauron. We learnt how to do things without magic, and everyone can use them if they know how. For example," I turn on my stereo, and the Fellowsip try to step away from the music. "This is a stereo. It has a thing called an antenna in it, which catches radio waves which are invisible inaudible sound waves that pass through the air. It's all based on electricity. And don't, whatever you do, mention magic. This is a world of Men, and Men are good at science, which means magic doesn't work here and we don't believe in it. At least, we can't do it."  
  
By now Gandalf has stopped giggling and is sitting up holding his head. "What the ...Where am I?"  
  
I am really annoyed at this wizard now. "Where we are is in my bedroom, which is not in Middle Earth. You were stoned, and brought me to Middle Earth, and then you brought me back here with the rest of the Fellowship." Legolas lets out an anguished scream as Missy bites him again.  
  
*Blood! Elf tastes good, wonder what Hobbit tastes like?* Missy lets go and lunges for Merry. He screams too.*Not as good as Elf. Mmmmm, Elf!* I detach Missy again, and put her harness and leash on.  
  
"Who's hungry? I know I am! And I bet Missy is, aren't you, you beautiful girl!"  
  
The Fellowship: o.0  
  
I squeeze between Aragorn and Sam and try to open the door. Thankfully, it opens outwards. "Follow me, I will find food. You know, you guys are really lucky that I'm the only one home, because of my exams. I had no tests at school today, which meant I could stay home." I continue saying as I lead the confused Fellowship down the corridor to the kitchen. It's a one storey surburban house, k? Gandalf is still clutching his head.  
  
  
  
The Fellowship is really confused by now, and the wizard that got them here has a headache! Continue reading for more random Missy attacks. I don't really hate Legolas, I just thought it'd be funny if the cat tried to eat him. And you've got to admit that it's interesting. Also, a 20+ page serious story I was writing didn't save properly, and wiped itself. So much frustration right now!! So much rage!!! So I deleted 'A story of a battlemaid' off the website. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! So much angst, and writer's block! Oh well, I'll rewrite it in a few weeks. *Does a cheerleader dance* Go and see my other story, it's all mine, all mine, it's called Myderelle, the Elven Princess...I think so anyway. Oh well, just R+R please. *MMMM, BLLLOOODDD* Missy, get down off the keyboard, like the good cat you are! See youse all next time! *waves frantically* 


	4. Oh beloved nurofen

Hey all ppls! Yes it is true, this is merely here to criticise everything! Oh the fun of it! lol! I like exclaimation points, don't you? *dances oddly* But basically everyone likes my stories, all of them! I feel so lov- ed. So very lov-ed! *blows kisses to nice reviewers* Well, I am quite cynical, so to criticise is one of my pleasures in life. Oh the cynicism! So evil! *Missy agrees* Well, really could I create a character like Missy, if I wasn't evil? I like cats lots, and I thought it was unfair that there are no fanfics (at least I think so) with pet animals in them. So I imagined up Missy *shudder*. It's quite sad, but thanks to all ppls who like Missy, I know she didn't do much in the last chapter but that will change! So forward, once more onto the breach dear friends, and so forth. *trumpets* *cavalry charge noises* *cries of lets get the bastards!*  
  
  
  
There is nothing quite as amusing as a Dwarf with a cream moustache. Gandalf swallows the Nurofen. I turn away to scold Legolas for bleeding on the carpet, and I hear an ominous thump. I turn around.Oh ####! Gandalf is out for the count! Jeez, I've been taking Nurofen for years, and nothing like that has ever happened before. At least, I don't remember it happening. The Fellowship gasps.  
  
The Fellowship: GASP!  
  
"Oh bugger! Help me get him up to my room, before my parents get home. Come on Aragorn and Boromir." Together we lift Gandalf and hobble up to my room. For a skinny old man, he's really heavy. Bormir is holding his head, then lets go with a yelp of disgust.  
  
"He drooled on me!"  
  
"Yes, yes. Get his head and keep going! He's ####ing heavy!" Boromir groans and picks up his head. We slog along until we reach my room. "Just" puff "Put him" pant "on the" wheeze "bed." We dump him on the bed. I collapse, Aragorn and Boromir stare at me, they're not even puffed. Not fair! "Oh sweet mother of god..." I clutch at my back. I glare at the two people who are not affected in the slightest. Stupid warrior types. I sit up right on the bed "Oh my goodness the chips!" I run out of the room, detouring slightly into a wall to kill the urge to flick my hair. Bang! Owww...  
  
This mary sueness really hurts. I speed up as I hear screams from the living room.  
  
"Aaaahhhh! Aaaaahhhhh! Get it off, for Elbereth's sake!" Legolas again. I burst into the room and dive for Legolas' ankle. I grab Missy who is furiously gnawing at his ankle and jerk her off. What is it about the Elf that drives her so insane?  
  
*Eeelllllfffff...blllooooodddd. Ssssooooo good. I want more and more and more and more and more! Elf! Elf! Elf! Mmmmmmm...*  
  
Aragorn and Boromir blunder into the room after me. I am holding Missy who is still straining to reach Legolas. She chewed through her harness to get him. She's so very determined! Then I remember the chips which are probably burning in the oven. I rush out to the kitchen and rescue the chips. Ow, hot, hot, hot! I quickly place the baking tray on the bench then dance around blowing on my burnt fingers and swearing. After running them under cold water for a while, I turn my attention to the chips. Thankfully, they're not burnt. While I can swear, I know I'm not turning into a mary sue. They don't swear, at least not usually.  
  
I hear screams again, so I repeat my journey. Legolas is cowering in a corner, with a chair in front of him. "Get it away, get it away!" He looks up at me with anger in his eyes "If it wasn't for you, I'd kill the wretched thing." His eyes start to glaze over, that's not good. I slowly step forward and grab Missy, who is concentrating on ripping the chair to shreds. I slowly step back again, holding her. "Oh beloved, why do you leave, nay, stay!" He holds a hand out in entreaty.  
  
"Back, back, or I'll set Missy on you!"  
  
*Oooohhhh yyyeeeessss please! Elllffffff*  
  
"Why do you torment me so my love?" Legolas rises to his feet, hand still outstretched. His face twitches, and his eyes shimmer betwen glazed and lucid looks.  
  
"Somebody hit him on the head, or something! Legolas, bang your head on the wall!"  
  
Aragorn nods, and with the hilt of his sword hits Legolas on the head.  
  
"Why you!" Legolas rubs his head, glaring.  
  
"Justified. Mary sueness can even get an Elf, it seems. Oh well, Sam come and help me." I wander off to the kitchen with Missy tucked under my arm. She growls. I retreive a pair of tongs and start dishing the chips into a large bowl. Sam trails after me, why I keep asking for his help, I don't know because I end up doing everything myself anyway. Oh well. I can make him carry stuff. He's useful that way. "Take this." I hand him the bowl of chips. "Put them on a table or something." Sam toddles off with the chips. "You eat them!" I call out after him.  
  
The I hear a knock at the door, and one of the Fellowship gets up to answer it. "NO!" I yell out, but it's too late.  
  
"Hello." I hear Frodo say, "Who are you?"  
  
  
  
Who are the mysterious visitors? Do I even know? 


	5. Weird people at the door, and rules for ...

"We are from the Church of the Latter Day Saints. Are your parents home?" A male voice asks. I rush to the front door and glare at the two guys in suits.  
  
"I worship Satan, do you want to join my cult? We meet next to sacrifice animals and virgins on, let me think, Wednesday, should I put your names down?" I ask them nastily. "Frodo, inside!" I push him inside. The guys in suits look like fish. Big open mouths and all. "Go away!" I slam the door in their faces, ignoring the repeated knockings. "Door open no. Door closed yes! Go and eat food." I point him in the direction of the living room and massage my forehead. In their world, they are mighty warriors, but here they are a nuisance! A large and annoying nuisance. Nine of them.  
  
I walk into the room where the Fellowship are finishing off the chips. "Now, I suppose that you guys want to see stuff, while we wait for Gandalf to wake up and take you guys home. The easiest way to disguise you is not to disguise you at all. If anyone asks, you're all going to a Lord of the Rings movie convention. On second thoughts, don't talk. Leave the talking to me. I have some money, so I'll buy you some stuff to eat and drink while we're out." They nod. I get this feeling of a hen trying to look after ducklings. They just don't get it. "Rule number one, don't kill anyone, don't even draw your weapons at all. If you do, you'll end up in gaol. And it'll be really hard to get you out. Criminals seemingly have more rights then innocent people, so no weapons! Weapons equal lots of trouble. The worst thing here is another man. No Orcs, no Wargs, no Goblins, no giant spiders, no dragons. Just Men."  
  
"One Elf is worth ten men anyway." Legolas says snootily.  
  
"And one Dwarf is worth a hundred Elves!" Gimli says in a gruff voice. Legolas snarls and half draws his dagger. Gimli clenches his axe.  
  
"Weapons NO!" I yelp. "Apologize, both of you." They both growl out apologies. "Something that has always puzzled me though, about Lord of the Rings fanfics is that Common is exactly the same as English. Why do you guys talk English?" They look confused.  
  
"We talk Common, and so do you." Boromir says in the tone of someone trying to talk to an extremely slow child. "Your Common is oddly accented, and you talk most strangely, but it is still Common."  
  
I massage my forehead. I can feel a headache coming on. "Fine, whatever. Here. I'll put the TV on. And the people can't get out, they can't see you, can't hear you. They're illusions all right?" They nod. Please let them understand. "Do not touch the TV, do not go near it, just watch it." I switch on the TV, and slowly walk to my room. Oy vey. I enter my room, dump Missy in her special box, and scrabble around for my LotR costume I bought. It cost a couple of hundred dollars, but it still doesn't look as good as what they're wearing. Pity they didn't bring extra clothes over with them.  
  
Gandalf is still snoring on the bed, and what is really, really bad, is that he's drooling onto my pillow. Ew. I so have to wash that. Gandalf gives a bubbling snore and turns over. Yep, Gandalf is a great and mighty wizard, all right. I suppose no one looks really imposing when they're asleep.  
  
I rummage around more in my wardrobe and finally unearth my costume from behind several dresses and shirts and stuff. It is hanging up, ok? I remove my costume from my warderobe and critically hold it against me. I stick my tounge out at my reflection in my mirror. A costume is not the same as clothes. You can always tell. I take my costume and leave my bedroom and go to change in the bathroom. It has a lock, which is useful. I keep half an ear out for sounds of trouble, but I don't hear anything.  
  
I slip into the brown moleskin leather pants and green long sleeved shirt. I put on the thin seude leather jerkin and lace it almost to the top. I then take off my sandals and slide on my beautiful boots. They are really gorgeous boots that I got from an old fashioned cobbler, who made boots like his forefathers did. Out of deerskin, soft and supple. I sigh as I look at my reflection in the mirror. They are good quality, and they should be for how much I paid, but you can tell they're not clothes. The boots are the best bit, really. I do have a good dagger though. I even have a licence for it, just with a false name and age on it. I preen in front of the mirror, then deliberately unlace a bit more of the jerkin. Ah, no! I bang my head against the bathroom mirror. I hurriedly relace the jerkin and make a deliberate effort to control the mary sueness.  
  
Why me? Really, I can name about, I don't know, over a hundred girls who would have succumbed to the mary sueness and be in the bed with one of them by now. Maybe more then one. Must be my ingrained cynicism. And also, who knows what weird bugs, not referring to merely germs, they have. Bad images! I am not having a good day. Stupid Fellowship! I wish that they would all burn, burn in flames! Flames...I like that idea. Or I can just give them to Missy. I chuckle evilly and gathering my clothes leave the bathroom.  
  
I open the door to my bedroom and throw my clothes on the chair. Gandalf is still dead to the world, except, his hair has little flickers in it, like electricity. I pretend I don't see it, because if I see it, it probably means something bad is going to happen. So I ignore it and close the door quietly. Missy is still growling to herself. As long she can't get out and eat the Fellowship, that's the main thing.  
  
I head back to the living room and frown as I hear the moans and gasps. Female moans and gasps. Mary sues? I quicken my step. I enter the room and my jaw drops as I see what's on the screen. I am going to kill that technologically gifted little brother of mine. We have cable, and even though the Playboy channel is hypothetically locked out, he has manged to make it work. The Fellowship are all watching with supreme interest. I shake my head in disgust. Males. Any species, any world, and this is probably the most entertaining thing that they can think of. I just hope we aren't being billed for this, but if I know Aiden, we're not. 


	6. Turn off that TV! And excursions of the ...

Well, writer's block is a terrible thing. *Brandishes spear* But I have hunted down and killed the dreaded writer's block! *holds up ghastly head* Rejoice all authors! Rejoice! Yay! *Dances* I have reviews. *Cries* I feel so happy. I could sing *dodges boot* but I won't. Missy can sing instead! *dodges another boot, this one has high heels* Maybe not. So read up and then press the little button and write a review! Reviews feed Missy, letting her become more terrible then before. Flames are bad, they burn the poor ickle kitten! So constructive criticism, and nice people's reviews are good, flames are bad. Missy is hungry, feed her! Or I'll let her loose on the world! *Maniacal laugh* *Sounds of hisses*  
  
*Ooooohhhh, yeeeesssss, pllleaaasssseeee*  
  
Scary, scary cat. Honestly, is anyone else out there scared as much by her as I am? She has just run away on turbojets, she is not at all like I first imagined her. Let her be a lesson to all authors, keep tight control over your characters. Or you could end up with a hiseous beast like Missy. And that would be a fate worse then death.  
  
  
  
I hurry over to the TV and change the channel. A chorus of groans greets my action. "I am going to kill Aiden! He is a bad, bad boy!" I see what is on. Music videos. Just as bad. I flip through the channels and find nothing worth watching. Just lots of soaps and bad, bad movies. I turn the TV off. I turn around and rub my hands at the Fellowship. I grin "Who wants to go out?"  
  
They shrug, look at each other and nod. Legolas enquires "Where are we going?"  
  
"Oh, just out. Come on. Now remember, weapons are a no go. Weapons are not to be used, or even drawn." They nod. "As long as you understand." Please let them understand. Please oh please let them obey. I lead them to the front door, and usher them out. I pause, dash back inside and make a note for Gandalf. I exit again and lock the door, putting the key in my purse. It doesn't match, but I am still wearing a watch. So it's not entirely correct, that's all right. I am not obsessed, like some sad people out there. I turn on my mobile and nod to the Fellowship. "Let's go."  
  
We head off down the road. I decide to walk to the Westfield near my neighbourhood. A Westfield shopping centre is a breed of shopping mall, for all the people not in the know. Also known as a center of commerce, capitalism, fashion police, deadheads, airheads, skaties, jocks, surfies (fake here in the part of Sydney where I am), and other easily identifiable teen groups. There is even a Goth group, who patronize a weird coffee/book shop on the lowest level. It has pentacles on the doors and advertises a Black Sabbath on the weekends. It's just plain scary.  
  
My theory of the shopping malls is that eventually they will spread out, converge, blend and cover the entire earth. In America, this trend can already be seen, with giant multiplexes. For some people, spending their lives in the mall would not be very different to what they do now. I'm not talking about the people who are condemned to work there. I believe that somewhere on Earth, is an organization working to this very end. It's probably headed by Americans, so they can rule the Earth. Degenerate capitalist pigs! No, I'm not communist, just cycnical. Reds unda da beds!  
  
I keep walking and make sure I can see all of the Fellowship all the time. This is how mothers must feel. Remind me never to have children. At least these guys are all supposedly adult. Notice, I said 'supposedly'. My mobile rings, my theme is 'Cows with Guns'. The chorus. You know, 'We will fight for bovine free-ee-eedom, we will hold our horned heads high. We will run free, with the buffalo, or di-ii-iii-iii-iiieee..." That song rocks! "Hello."  
  
"Hey Sandy, whassup? It's Jenny. Do ya want to catch a movie? What's that one, about the secret agent with amnesia?"  
  
"The Bourne Identity?"  
  
"That's it! Do you want to see it?"  
  
"I can't today. I have to look after a few people."  
  
"Any guys?"  
  
"They're all guys."  
  
"I am coming to your place! Or should we meet at Westfield?"  
  
I give in. She will never let me hear the end of it if she doesn't meet them. Why did I say they were all guys? Why oh why oh why? "All right. We'll meet you at the Foodcourt in half an hour?"  
  
"Sounds good. See you then. Bye!"  
  
"Bye." I hang up. Can this day get any worse? Jenny, I have to say even if she is one of my best friends, is already close to being a mary sue. She writes sappy romance fanfics on the Web. She has an entire website dedicated to the things. Most of them are LotR. This will not be good.  
  
  
  
What happens in the Foodcourt? Is Jenny a mary sue as Sandy suspects? But is she a rabid mary sue who runs around flicking her hair and batting her eyelashes and saying things like 'Ooh, you're so strong!'? If you know a mary sue, please call the number at the bottom of your screen now for its diposal. Mary sues are an environmental hazard. Call now and help save nature from the effects of their beauty products! 


	7. Westfield, skaties, and lipgloss girls

The reviews are not coming! I will set Missy loose on you all! And she is very inventive, chewing, or gnawing ankles is merely the very least of her repertoire. Do you really want to be responsible for setting Missy out on to the real world? Yes, she does exist. She is based on a real live breathing cat that I know. But she is contained. I can send her to America, if you like. Mmmmwwwwaaaahhhhaaaahhhhaaahhhhaaaaa! No, even Dubya doesn't deserve a menace like that.*glances around fearfully* I spoke wrongly in my last chapter. The writer's block is back! Back! *hides under bed* It had numerous progeny, each more terrible then the last! *cowers in fear* Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Run away! Run away! Say, can anyone hear coconuts? lol! That is a good movie. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go and be eaten by the Beast of Aaaaarrrggghhh. Or be carried off by swallows. *shrugs* It's your choice. And no, I don't really care if they're European or African swallows. But I would really like to see a swallow capable of carrying a human. Wouldn't you? lol. I like that, lol. It carries such a range of emotions in three letters. Laugh. I really am quite strange, aren't I?  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, the Fellowship and I are walking down the street. Yeah, walking down the street. A degenerate teeny bopper undulates past, and the eyeballs, they fall out and roll around on the ground. I guess they've never seen a girl wearing such skimpy, but strategically placed bits of cloth before. Skirts that are about 5 centimetres past exposure of panties must be new. And boob tubes. Really, the fashion industry has a lot to answer for. I walk up to Aragorn and slap him on the back of the head. "Ar-wen. Ar-wen. Repeat that. After me, Ar-wen." Aragorn growls. I walk on. Yep, Friday, and the teeny boppers are out in force. I shake my head in disgust. Do they have no pride, no scrap of individualism at all? I guess not. Sigh.  
  
"Hey guys, what are you all dressed up for?" A skater guy yells.  
  
"Lord of the Rings number two, The Twin Towers promotion! Go and buy the Fellowship of the Ring on DVD or video!" I yell back.  
  
"Cool! When's the movie coming out?"  
  
"December 26th! Go to your local cinema and see it!" We walk into one of the ground level doors of the Westfield. I mentally roll my eyes as I hear a chorus of femine gasps and coos. This is quite a sad reflection on the girls of Earth. Stupid sheep that they are. I feel strange as I walk down the corridor flanked by eight guys, well three of whom look like attractive 20+ guys. Gimli just looks odd. And the Hobbits look like children. From a distance. Then you get up close, and they look really strange. We walk to the Foodcourt, and weare followed by an ever increasing group of whipering teen girls. Are they mary sues? I certainly hope not. There are lots and lots of them.  
  
"Hi, I'm, like, Tiffany. What's your name?" Oh dear. A very blond lipgloss girl. She gets out a container of lipgloss and smoothes it over her lips as she stares into Legolas' eyes. Her jeans are so tight, I'm surprised that she doesn't split them when she walks that way. But she has that semi- starved look that is so fashionable. See, this is what I don't understand about the skinny supermodels. Why is it so good to be that thin? It makes you look like a concentration camp survivor, and they do it willingly. Willingly! Truly, the overuse of nail polish and hairspray has mixed their brains. Or maybe lipgloss is a conspiracy to turn the next generation of women stupid. And make them die by making them anorexic.  
  
Tiffany inhales, sticking her chest out. I cover my eyes, that top looks like it will split. But, thank god, it doesn't. "My name is Legolas. I am pleased to meet you, Lady Tiffany."  
  
"Like, ohmigod, are you, like, Orlando Bloom, or something? Like, wow." Tiffany looks like she's about to faint. She puts on more lipgloss. It's pink, sparkly lipgloss.  
  
"Orlando, Bloom?" Legolas frowns.  
  
"Like wow. I just love him in that movie. It was really long though, and I got bored. What's the movie called?" She turns to another blond lipgloss girl. Even if it seems impossible, this one has larger breasts then Tiffany.  
  
"Isn't it like, called Lord of the Rings, or something? I don't know, but it was a total babe fest."  
  
"There were many children?" Legolas looks confused. I decide to come to his rescue, no matter how cute and blond he looks when he's confused. Ah! Mary sue thoughts going to get me! I grab Boromir's shield off his back and bang my head against it.  
  
"Like, doesn't that hurt?" The other blond one asks. Then she forgets her question and focuses on Boromir. "Like, I'm Brittany, like Brittany Spears, she is just such the coolest singer. Do you like Brittany Spears?"  
  
"Uh, yes?" Boromir offers with a bemused smile. Oh dear. This is getting out of hand.  
  
"Come on guys, we have a movie to promote. Let's move it! Go and see the second Lord of the Rings movie. Like, all the babes are back!" I shudder as I drop my conversation level to what they can understand. I feel so dirty. "Go and see it when it comes out on the 26th of December. Elijah Wood, Orlando Bloom and all the others." I won't reccomend they buy the book. The level of their reading skills are trashy romance novels. "Go and buy the Fellowship of the Ring on video or DVD." I start pushing the Fellowship to get moving, smiling fixedly. The lipgloss girls pout.  
  
"Like, what's your number? Here take mine! Call me!"  
  
"And mine!" They scribble out their phone numbers and put their names on them. Boromir and Legolas take the slips of paper with confused looks on their faces. Then the lipgloss girls flounce off, waving their hips and flicking their hair. I shudder. That so easily could be me, if I forget myself and fall into mary sueness. How utterly horrifying.  
  
"Um, what are these lady? And what is your name anyway?"  
  
"Sandy. And those are telephone numbers. They're a way to contact those girls. Let's go, isn't anyone else hungry? I still have to introduce you to the wonders of fast food. And icecream. Mmmm. Come on, guys." I walk off and the confused Fellowship follows me. Lipgloss girls are too much for them, they are frightening in ways you can't imagine. 


	8. Is she a mary sue?

Squuueeeeeee! Reviews, I have eight! *holds up eight fingers* Eight! But I dream of ten, of more then ten! Of hundreds! *sighs dreamily* Missy wants to say something.  
  
*Hiiiii, Sssscccaaathhyy! I am pleassed that I have a fan. And yes, I do plan to ssssteal the One Ring. It's all ssssppaarkklyy, aaannnddd eevviill. And Elllveessss ttasssttee goooood. Sssssooooo goooood. I don't want to bite the Dwarf. He sssmmmeeelllssss ssssstrange. Sssccaaathhaathh iissss a good name. Gandalf is old, and sssmellssss weird. I don't want to bite him either. Ssseee you later, okkaayy?*  
  
Thanks to all my reviewers, I'm sorry I can't remember your names, the net is so far away! But thanks to you all, you know who you are! *gives out 'Go Missy' flags* Wave your flags at all Missy attacks. If you want a 'Go Missy' flag, then you have to review. There's your incentive *sigh* people are so greedy nowadays. And no, I don't always shut Missy up in a box. Would you like her to escape? Oh dear me, no. Imagine Missy wreaking havoc on the world *sigh* *wipes tear away* I'd be so proud of her! She'd be all grown up and stuff. One, two, three, aaawwwww. . .  
  
  
  
"How does this spell work?" Legolas asks with a perplexed look on his face.  
  
"I wouldn't worry about it. You're going back to Middle Earth." I say firmly.  
  
"But how does it work, do I say the numbers? Does it summon them?"  
  
"Remember, no magic! Magic is not real, not true and nonexistent. You use a machine. It's sorta like Galadriel's mirror, but it only does sound. And I'm not letting you call them and that's that." Legolas is looking at me with puppy dog eyes, awww. No! I am doomed! Doom-med! Why am I fixating on Legolas? I mean, blondes hardly ever do it for me. Stupid mary sueness. Now, Hugh Jackman, or Heath Ledger on the other hand. Drool. I shake my head and my gaze fastens on Boromir. He has ripply muscles. Eep! Can not someone save me from the predatations of the deadly mary sueness?  
  
Why me? Of all the people in the world, why me in particular? Yes, I like the book, and yes, I liked the movie, but I really did not want to meet the Fellowship in person. Like King Arthur, you know. I like reading about Arthur and the Grail and his knights, but I think the real King Arthur would be a rather smelly old brigand with the excuse of birth for his actions. And with good magic, you get bad magic. Which can do some rather horrible things. I read a fantasy novel where a witch replaced a person's bones with meat ants. It was rather graphic. Apparently, the ants ate them from the inside out as they writhed screaming on the ground. Not particularly nice. Shudder.  
  
I pluck the papers out of Boromir's and Legolas' hands, then put them into a bin. My phone rings. "Hello?" I wave at the Fellowship to stop. They mill around me, like confused sheep.  
  
"Hey, Sandy! Where are ya?"  
  
"Just entering the Foodcourt. Where are you?"  
  
"I'm in line at Macca's. Go find a table, and I'll find you. What are you wearing?"  
  
"LotR outfits."  
  
"You're kidding me."  
  
"Unfortunately not. There's something I have to tell you, and don't scream."  
  
"I promise I won't scream."  
  
"And I'm telling the truth, not bullshitting you. Got that in mind? And don't tell the other people in the line, ok?"  
  
"Ok. Spill it."  
  
"The guys are the Fellowship of the Ring." I hold the phone away from my ear wincing as she screams. She always does that. "Yes, they're all here. Gandalf stuffed up a spell, he's not here thank goodness. He's at my house, sleeping off the aftereffects of a high."  
  
"Is Legolas there?"  
  
"Yes, unfortunately. Missy keeps trying to eat him."  
  
"Oh the poor Elf!"  
  
"I'm glad you feel that way. I left Missy at home, but how long it will take her to escape and chase me down, I don't know. So far, it's been about half an hour. Well, we'll find somewhere to sit, and then you can come and keep an eye on them for me while I buy food."  
  
"Ok! See ya soon!" Click. I better find a table, several tables and lots of seats. There! A group of chattering girls getting up. I thread my ways through the tables and grab the seats as they leave.  
  
"Ok, sit!" The Fellowship sits. "Now, we're just waiting for my friend, Jenny, to join us. Please, please pretend that she's not a mary sue, because I think she is. Which means, be nice, but ignore her most of the time. The author will probably try to fill her with love and seduce one of you. And I would rather that you didn't sleep with one of my friends. It would be hard to explain, after. When you leave." They all nod slowly. "And Legolas, she has a crush on you, so please, please be nice. I think that's all, but there may be other things that come up." Legolas looks away. Is that a yes, I agree with you, or I'll do what I feel like? Please be yes. I seem to be doing a lot of pleading of late. With who, I don't know. The Universe, in general I think.  
  
"Hey, Sandy!" There's Jenny. Please oh please oh please. . .  
  
  
  
  
  
Is Jenny a mary sue? Is Legolas a flirt? *laugh* Will Sandy's paranoia be justified, or is it a sign that the nice men in white coats are coming soon? But it really is true, everything and everyone is out to get me! *glances around suspiciously* You! You're out to get me! *snarls* Help! Help! The Universe is in a conspiracy against me! You're all in it! Aaaaaahhhhhhh! *runs screaming into distance* 


	9. Macca people should stop being so happy,...

Grrrrrrr. School is bad. Bad, bad, bad! Thanx to my reviewers! I have more reviews then I ever thought I would. *faints in happiness* *Sandy throws a bucket of cold water* Ip! Cold! *shivers* SO onwards to the rabid mary sues and McDonald's. Mmmm, fries and a big Mac! Has anyone else tried Vanilla Coke? It is soooo good! I crave it! I crave coffee! I need caffeine! *foams at mouth* Yaaaarrrgggghhhh! *falls over* Oh dear. I have fallen over and I can't get up! Help! *calls vainly for help* *Missy laughs* *Legolas helps me up* What a gentleman! *flutters eyelashes* *Legolas looks uneasy* Oh he's such a cute Elf! So blond and Elvish! *Legolas shrugs* Oh well, you go on and read while I . . . talk with Legolas. *licks lips* *Legolas smiles* Shoo! Some things are not for being public. *giggles*  
  
  
  
Legolas' eyes brighten as he sees Jenny and he starts to make sure that he's presentable. I think I shouldn't have said that Jenny had a crush on him. If he slicks his hair back with his hand, I know there's something wrong. I wince as he does it. Not a good sign. I straighten up as Jenny comes around to me. "Hi Jenny."  
  
"Sandy you didn't tell me that they were gorgeous spunks!" She whispers furiously in my ear. Legolas is looking at her with supreme interest, and smiles. "Why didn't you call me?"  
  
"I don't know, how about it's all just too ####ing weird? Stay here, while I feed these guys. Hey, with three hobbits I'm probably going to be broke from this lovely visit."  
  
"We can pay, I'm sure. I have some money on me somewhere. . ." Aragorn says smoothly, as he detaches a bag from his belt. "How much do you need?" He rifles through it and withdraws a gold piece. "Will this do?"  
  
"Sorry Aragorn, but you have to have a particular type of money."  
  
"This is a Gondorian noble," Aragorn objects affrontedly, "It is almost pure gold! See?" He bites into the edge of it, and holds it up to show the toothmarks.  
  
"I believe you, but we don't use gold pieces anymore. We don't barter either, just to warn you. Here," I get out my wallet and show them some money. "This is our money now, and if you have money from another country, you have to get it changed into Australian money. And that's why you can't use that to pay for things. But I will take that gold, maybe I can get it changed, or something." I pluck the gold piece out of his hand and put it away in my bag. It's heavy, and maybe I can sell it to a coin collector or something who will decide that it's an absolute find. I gag as I remember that Aragorn bit it. Ew. I need disinfectant in a big way. I get up from the table. "Well, I'll go and get food. Anyone here not like meat?" They all shake their heads. "Good-oh. Be back soon."  
  
I leave and walk over to the McDonald's outlet. How much to buy? Lots. At least I have a bit of money, I've been working extra shifts at my work, which pays well because its not a fast food place. Working as a casual secretary for one of my mother's friend's husband is good. At least he doesn't go after me like he does the other women in the place. He knows I know his wife. Pay's better, conditions are better, disregarding the boss and his wanderin' hands, and I really don't have to do that much. I don't usually spend my money, as I'm saving to go backpacking in Europe, so I have several thou' in the bank. I'll Eftpos it. Hurrah (in plummy English accent of course!) for tha' absa-bloody-lutely wonderful wonders of modern civilization! Spiffin' chaps! Hehe! English accents. . .drool.  
  
"Hello and welcome to McDonald's! What would you like?" Well, she sounds like a bright and cheerful little daisy. Oh no. She has a trainee badge. Why wasn't I concentrating? Oh yes, memories of sexy guys with British accents, or Irish accents, or basically any accents, really, I kid thee not, accents turn me on. Lustful shudder. She's still smiling in a fixed and happy way.  
  
"Let me think . . . four large Big Mac meals, one with Fanta, one with Coke, one with Sprite and one with Diet Coke." I pause as she labouriously taps it in. "Four large McChicken meals, same drinks. Four Big Mac burgers. Four McChicken burgers. One medium Quarter Pounder meal, with a chocolate thickshake. Five cheeseburgers." I wait for her to catch up, she has the corner of her tounge sticking out of her mouth. So much concentration! "Six large fries. Three of the largest containers of nuggets. One mild curry sauce, one sweet and sour sauce, one barbeque sauce. Oh and four Quarter Pounders. You got that?" She nods with grim concentration, then looks up and smiles sweetly at me.  
  
"Would you like some of our fine deserts with that?" Oh that horrible inbred chirpiness!  
  
"No." She looks hurt. I sigh and get my mobile out of my bag. No way am I carrying this by myself. "Hey Jenny?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"This is Sandy. Can you send some of the guys over to help me carry stuff?"  
  
"Oh good, because I was feeling guilty that I had food and they had none. The Hobbits especially seem to be taking it hard. Legolas!" That last in a furious whisper. "Sorry, they're pinching my food. Ep! Legolas, stop that!" Pinching food, or pinching her? I promise that the Elf will die! Die in pain, pain of which there is no escaping! Or I'll keep him around as a playtoy for my cat. Heheh. "Ok, I'm sending some of them over. They'll be there in a minute. Legolas!" She squeals then hangs up. I grind my teeth. Evil Elf, I should have let Missy have him. Oh well, there's always time for that.  
  
My food starts arriving, and then Aragorn and Boromir arrive. She wouldn't send Legolas would she? No, she's being a flirt! And a ####ing mary sue! But you know, I always thought better of Legolas from the books. And he's always oh so restrained in all the fanfics. I would have to get the sleazy one, wouldn't I? Oh yes, I bet that just suits my Author, who is a dirty sadistic bastard, right down to the ####ing ground! I swipe the Eftpos with my card and start loading the guys up with food. "Table. Go." I stick straws in the drinks, picking the trays up and follow them back to the tables. They make excellent crowd parter thingies, what can I say? And that is what all males' roles are anyway. Men were put on the earth to serve women. It's a good philosophy, all right? And if you're a male, you should be bowing down and worshipping me. And all other women on the planet. You know it's true!  
  
I need food, greasy fast food that pretends to be worth eating! Sawdust in the form of food. That's how they keep the cost down, you know. Health regulations, my arse! I put my stuff down and stretch my back. Damn, that was heavy. Then I glance over at Legolas. Damn it. The pair of them, flirting like there was no tomorrow. Gimli is growling and the Hobbits look embarassed. Aragorn is regally ignoring them but Boromir is jealous. Interesting. Oh how bad! She just leant over and brushed his arm with her fingertips. Excuse me while I throw up. I shake my head in disapproval. You enjoying this, Author?  
  
  
  
Well, Sandy's right. I am enjoying this. And I am a cruel, sadistic person, but I prefer the term bitch to bastard. And I can have a filthy dirty mind. I need brainwashing. With soap! *laughs* Missy is going to turn up, trust me. She wants to be greeted by her adoring public, honestly that cat is vain! Will you just pretend to adore her for a minute? Please? And wave your 'Go Missy' flags? Thank you! *Missy walks out* *Meows* *Walks back inside her box* *signals enthuastic applause* Yay! Whoo! Go Missy! We love you, Missy! *glances around warily* Thank goodness she was satisfied with that! See youse next time! 


	10. Missy returns! Thoughts on Australian wi...

Thanx to all my wonderful kind reviewers! You are sooooo beauutiifulll tooo mmmmeeeeee! *sings off key* *Missy yowls along* Ahem. I am glad that now I have ten reviews *heaves happy sigh* I feel such joy. I still wish to catch and dismember the people who are reading and not reviewing though. It's not polite. And how in the bloody hell do you set up anon reviews? Everyone is telling me to do it, but not how to do it! The frustration! So you have to review and tell me. Ner! *sticks tounge out* And thanks to my friend who translated the Japanese for me.  
  
  
  
Before I can slap that nancy Elf across the face, I am distracted by a group of screaming Japanese tourists. "Tasukete!! Kono neko wa watashno ashi tabeteiru!! (Help!! This cat is currently eating my ankle!!)" That is in a scream. Then a cheerful voice pipes up:  
  
"Oha! Watashwa mayaku otsuka teimasu. (Hi! I use drugs.)" That was quite random. You know, as being different to the screams of pain. I don't understand Japanese. Then a small and furry bolt of lightening races out past the Japanese tourists. You can tell they're tourists because they have expensive looking cameras hanging around their necks. And they have furry clip-on koalas hanging off all their stuff. No-one else buys the annoying things except tourists because they're 'so cute!' and they 'would make such a nice gift for the folks back home!'. Please translate those into as many different languages as you think necessary.  
  
This is what most tourists don't understand about Australian wildlife. It is not cute and cuddly. Koalas stink, have really large and sharp claws and don't like camera flashes. Possums are psycho maniacs which move fast, have sharp teeth, sharper claws and also stink. And don't even get me started on Skippy. That idea has caused more deaths then the Crocodile Hunter. Kangaroos don't like people! They will happily leave them to die. And do you know how they kill dingoes? They rip the dingoes' guts out with the sharp center nails that are on their hindfeet. And they smell. And dingoes are just plain nasty. Then there are the snakes. And the various insects. And spiders. Refer to Terry Pratchett's novel, 'The last continent'. In some places, it's not so far off. Except possibly about the sheep.  
  
"Missy!"  
  
"WHERE???!!!" Legolas jumps up, displacing Jenny, with a glazed look of terror on his face. Jenny pouts. "Where is it, that thrice accursed fiend from Mandos' halls?" He glares around wildly. His hair, I notice, has began to come undone from all his braids. So he doesn't have perfect hair all the time. Missy runs past him, giving him a passing gnaw on the ankles. He leaps into the air with a yell of pain.  
  
"Missy, come here baby girl." I pick her up and start to fuss over her. "Aren't you just the smartest girl, to escape that way. Yes you are, yes you are!" Missy purrs happily and butts at my hand. "Are you hungry?"  
  
*Ohhh yeeessss, gggiiiivvveee mmmeee thee Elllfffff! MMmmmm, Elf!*  
  
"Here you are." I unwrap a cheeseburger for her and put her down.  
  
*Cheeseburger! Yum! Macccaaddoonnnaaaalllddddssssssssss. Soft serve? Please? With chocolate topping!* Missy starts to devour the burger.  
  
"Ok, I'll just get my lunch, then all the rest is yours." The Hobbits nod gleefully and start opening packets with gay abandon. Note, that is gay in the original sense of the word. Not the deplorable use it has been put to today. It's just not cricket, you know. Gimli growls and mumbles into his beard. Well, all the Fellowship, except Gandalf, are eating McDonald's. Jenny and Legolas keep flirting, they're feeding each other chips. It's quite sad. I shrug and start to eat my Quarter Pounder. It's her business, really.  
  
The Hobbits are going really well on the food front. I have never seen four people, well sort of people, eat so much food in one sitting. I finish off my food and start eating nuggets, giving Missy some. Eventually, we finish off all the food. It was good. I love Big Macs, with secret sauce! Secret, secret sauce!  
  
"Any more food?" Pippin says hopefully. I assume from this that the food is all gone.  
  
"How about dessert?" Pippin nods enthusiastically to my question. "Ever tried a gelati? No, I wouldn't think so. Bet you haven't even tried icecream. That is definetly something you have to try before you go back to M.E."  
  
"Em Ee?" Aragorn says, looking puzzeled.  
  
"Middle Earth. Come on, Hobbits!" I lead the Hobbits off to the New Zealand icecreamery. Ice cream. Yum. The Hobbits cluster around the frosted glass and chatter excitedly about the icecream. "Any thoughts on what you'd like to try?"  
  
"Any chocolate?" Merry asked.  
  
"Several. There's Cookies'N'Cream, Spotted Dog, that's orange and choc, Chocolate Ecstasy, Mint Choc Chip, Double Chocolate, Chocolate Mud." The Hobbits' eyes light up. "And then there's others as well. Cafe latte, lemon sorbet, mango, rainbow, vanilla, English Toffee, Rum'N'Raisin, boysenberry...well, there's lots. Know what you want?"  
  
"I think I would like to try the...Mint choc chip, please." Frodo says.  
  
"Chocolate Ecstasy, thanks." Says Pippin cheekily.  
  
"I'll have, er, what's it, the, um, English Toffee, thank you." Sam says very hesitantly. Merry is still gazing at the chocolate icecreams. I poke him in the side. He jumps and says:  
  
"Chocolate Mud sounds good. I'll have that."  
  
"Coolies! Ok," I say to the guy on the counter. "All waffle cones, single scoops. We'll have one mint choc-chip, one chocolate ecstasy, one english toffee and one chocolate mud." The icecream guy scoops them out and sets them on the counter.  
  
"Do you want chocolate fudge and whipped cream wit' that?"  
  
"Yes please. And a double waffle cone with cookies'n'cream on the bottom, and cafe latte on top. With cream and fudge." I pay him and start handing out the cones to the Hobbits. Missy meows at my feet, eyeing the icecreams hungrily. The Hobbits are very interested in their icecreams and are all comparing what they got with what the others got. It's very cute watching them. Awwww, da ickle Hobbits.  
  
We walk slowly back to the table where, thank goodness, all the wrappers are gone. It was a very messy table. Missy meows angrily. She wants an icecream. "Jenny? Could you manage to detach yourself from the Elf and go get Missy an icecream?"  
  
"All right. Come on Legolas." She gets up off his lap and smooths her skirt back down. I do not want to know. Legolas slaps her on the ass. She squeals and jumps forward a little bit.  
  
"Buy Aragorn, Gimli and Boromir some icecreams too." I say, trying to send her telepathic messages. Stop being a mary sue. Stop being a mary sue. She shrugs and sways off. I didn't know you could produce that effect unless you're wearing a skirt or dress. Legolas follows, Aragorn, Gimli and Boromir shrug then follow the two. Dear God, where does the horror stop? Now, that is bad. I shudder as Legolas kisses the back of her neck. Get a room, Elf boy! Gimli, Aragaorn and Boromir are very carefully looking away. It has a certain horrible fascination to it, like car accidents. You know, you want to look away but you just can't? It's kinda the same thing.  
  
Eventually, Jenny comes back, blond Elf in tow. She sets down a dish of icecream for Missy. You know, I never realised before how many sexual innuendoes could be made with an icecream cone? It's very bizzaire. Boromir eyes me speculatively. "No, Boromir. Go and flirt with someone else." He shrugs and looks away. Then a security guard rocks up. This will be interesting.  
  
  
  
Legolas is the biggest flirt. Really. And you know, it is surprising to find out that he doesn't have perfect hair all the time. And the icecream thing is sorta like the lollipop thing. You watch a 'cute' girl with a lollipop when she knows that a group of guys are watching her. Ah, the endless need to procreate. We wrap it up in so many ways. *laughs hysterically* Ahem. *sniggers* It is funny though, the endless mating rituals. True lurve, chivalry, marriage...So many, many ways...*laughs* Like Christmas. Commercialism. Spend, buy, consume! *rolls around on the floor laughing* *Missy sniggers* *Sandy looks affronted* *gets up* But what's with the security guard? Oh, just stuff. Loads and loads of stuff. In big purple boxes! With stars on! And more gratutious Missy attacks and mary sues! 


	11. Turn up the volume, PLEASE!

Hiya alls! I am now on the fav lists of eight ppls! Sssqqqqquuueee! I am writing this and watching 'Notting Hill'. Hughie is all flustered, awwww. And just out of interest, I actually do have a cat. And her name is Ditzah. Yes, my author name is based on her, so I have to give her lots of kisses for letting me use her name. She's my ditzcat, and seriously, she is a bit of a ditz. Has anyone watched Vicar of Dibley? She's like that girl, Alice I think her name is, but she's a cat. But Missy is the evil side of my cat. The evil, ankle biting part. Lol. Ditzey, ditzey ditzcat! But when she's being evil she's just 'Cat!'. Ah, onwards I think would be in order.  
  
  
  
Well, the long and short of it was that we got chucked out. After Missy bit the security guard, it was a foregone conclusion. And then Boromir threatened to cut off the guy's head. And Legolas drew his bow. And it all went downhill from there. Have you ever seen a Dwarf lose his temper? Not pretty. But Legolas managed to pull it off and look damn sexy at the same time. Oh the mary sueness! Dear Lord, how do these thoughts get in my head??!! I need desperate psychiatric help. But I think Jenny needs more. I wince and turn up my Discman as a particularly loud scream rips through the air.  
  
"Ooohhh, Legolas!"  
  
The Fellowship, minus Legolas and Gandalf are sitting in the lounge room. They're polishing their weapons and so on. You know, I never knew that Hobbits could turn that particular shade of red? I just hope Gandalf is still asleep.  
  
"Ai, Valar!"  
  
"Oh yeeessss!"  
  
This is kind of disgusting. Scratch that. Really disgusting. I can't hear them, can't hear them! Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala! Concentrate on the song. The song! 'A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, Naboo was under an attack. And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn, could talk the Federation into, maybe cutting them a little slack. Their response it didn't thrill us..."  
  
"Oh sweet motherfucking Christ! Oh yeesss!" She can think that coherently? Bad thoughts!  
  
"Elbereth! Ai, Gilthoniel! Aaaahhh!" Even worse images. I turn on the TV and turn the sound up, hoping to drown them out. Frodo gives me a look of gratitude. Heaven knows what the neighbours think. Well, they saw Jenny come in with me, necking with Legolas, so I hope they carried that thought through to its natural conclusion. I scrunch back into the lounge and close my eyes. Then I feel someone's hands massaging my shoulders. It feels good. I open my eyes and look up into Aragorn's eyes. I yelp and shoot up from my reclining position.  
  
"You are betrothed, or however you say it! Remember Arwen? You know, pretty She-Elf, Lord Elrond's daughter, giving up her immortality for you, ringing a bell?" Aragorn looks at his hands as if he didn't know what they were doing. His eyes are wide and horrified.  
  
A piercing female scream interrupts my rant. Then all is blissfully silent. We all give a collective sigh of relief. Then our eyes all turn to the sound of footsteps coming down the hallway. Dear god, they couldn't be finished and dressed that fast, could they? No, it's Gandalf. Thank goodness, though looking at him I can't say whether a sex rumpled Legolas would be an improvement. In fact, I think it would be. And that is just normal, healthy female interest, not mary sueness. I hope.  
  
"What is going on?" Gandalf says blearily.  
  
"Legolas has just finished ####ing one of my friends, I don't know whether you could call it making love exactly." I say in a brittle matter of fact voice. "Frankly, I can't wait until you all go home. Any advancement on that?" My voice goes high on the last bit, I cough as there's a frog in my throat. Maybe a toad.  
  
"Perhaps." Gandalf sits down heavily on an unoccupied chair.  
  
"Pippin, get off Merry." They spring apart with a guilty look. I'm not taking any chances, and they shouldn't either. I sigh and get up. I wander down the hallway to the bathroom. Strange, the door is closed. I open it and scream as a grey, slimy, fishy smelling creature looks up at me from the bathtub.  
  
"Gollum, gollum! Nasty Bagginses!" It says hissingly. I slam the door shut and lean weakly against it. Good Lord. Legolas pokes his head around my parents' bedroom door. I can still hear Gollum through the door, hissing and whispering to himself. Oh dear, that sounds quite painful, that threat. I'm glad my last name isn't Baggins.  
  
"What is it?" Legolas asks.  
  
"Gollum." I say, holding the door closed. "Get Gandalf. He can experiment on Gollum. You know, how to get you guys home." Legolas eyes go wide. Jenny pokes her head around the door.  
  
"What's going on?" Well, she looks like the cat that ate the canary and no mistake. Bloody mary sue. I don't know if I can ever face her again. I mean really, does she have no pride? And it's not as if she can tell anyone. Yes, that would go down well. Guess what I did yesterday? I shagged Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood. Yeah right, dream on fangirl.  
  
"Um, a minor baddie has just shown up and is in my bathtub. Do you remember Gollum?" Now the door is shuddering under Gollum's blows. How I am going to explain whatever Gollum has done in there, I don't know. Missy comes in and curls around my feet. "I appreciate the thought Missy, but I'm going to tread on you or something." She meows up at me. Suddenly the bathroom goes silent.  
  
"No oh no, not the small biting thing!" Gollum shrieks. Missy cocks her head to one side and looks at the bathroom door. "No no no! Oh gollum, gollum. Save precious!"  
  
  
  
Hehe! Should I save Gollum, do ya think? Or should I leave him to the tender mercies of Missy? Leave him to Missy!!! But does anyone out there like Gollum? If so, my most sincerest apologies. I just pity him because he's all evil and used to be good. I feel the same way about the Ring Wraiths, for anyone who's interested. Which I sppose you're not. But Ring Wraiths rock! Should I write a fic with them? R+R all ppls! The button is calling you **does Jedi mindtrick** it wants you to review. . .review! 


	12. Ohmigod, someone save me please! The hor...

Well, as I have not had one review from a person wanting to save Gollum, guess what? He's gonna bite the dust! Sort of. In a way. Actually, I've had this thing planned out since I wrote the Very Private Diary of Missy, which you aren't going to get to read until I finish this. AND that is another reason to review. So I am encouraged to write more. Which you want, right? Right?!! *sniffs* No-one loves me! *bawls* Ditzah loves me! *perks up* Sqquuuueeeee! lol. Well, this time when I went to check on reviews, I wrote down the names of my reviewers! Sooooo, tank 'oo! Thanx to Blue Kat, who wast my very, very first review ever! Awww. And also, Starbrat, Ju, ZombieGurl, Seal, mAgIcHaRm, EntSpinster and Souless-Wonders. And also Scathy, because if I don't say something, I'll be in trouble because Missy will get me! Hide! *burrows under bed* *peers around cautiously* *screams* *hides back under bed* She'll get you too! Scary, scary cat! *hides behind couch* 'Do you know where I am? Snehsnehsneh.' 'You're behind the couch. I can see your feet.' Hehehe! That movie rocks! Parodies are awesome! Rock on, all parodies and their creators! *thinks for a moment* *smiles broadly* Hey, that's me! Ssqquuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
  
  
Legolas is a useless bastard. "Gandalf!!!" I scream. Legolas winces. What, Jenny's screams were twice as loud as that was. At least. Jenny pouts and goes back into the bedroom. Legolas ducks down and pulls up his pants. Ew. Bad bad bad bad bad bad BAD!! Mary sue thoughts! Can't use pain to distract! Must not let Gollum out! Must resist! I feel my mind slipping into pink and fluffiness. Ohmigod, someone save me! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This is getting beyond a joke, really. Legolas grabs his sword, (no not that, you dirty, dirty people!) and comes to stand near the side of the door. Must...restrain...mary sueness... Gimli rushes up panting, holding his axe.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Gollum." By concentrating on Gimli, I find the mary sueness retreating. Then, it surges back and I start getting these insane urges to plait his beard. Heeeelllllppppp! I blink rapidly, and look upwards at the ceiling.  
  
I start chanting to myself. "Gimli is a Dwarf and beards are not cute, I do not want to plait his beard," Gimli looks startled, "Legolas is a slut, " Legolas turns red," who just ####ed one of my friends, he is a flirt and bloody useless, I do not want to kiss him." At this, his eyebrows shoot up. "I am not a mary sue, not a mary sue..." I start thinking rapidly for a change of topic. Ah no! "Frodo is a Hobbit, a Hobbit with large hairy ugly feet..." My vioce starts to rise as I try to stop the mary sueness. "No, I do not want to kiss Frodo. Nonononononono...I am not a mary sue! Not a mary sue." I can feel my mind disintegrating into mary sueness. I start screaming "I am not attracted to any of the Fellowship! They're all ugly! Legolas has bad hair! Aragorn never washes! Boromir has a beard! Gimli is a Dwarf! Hobbits are not cute, no oh no, not in the slightest! Gandalf is old! Where the hell is he anyway?!!!!!"  
  
I stumble from the door and Gollum starts to shoot out. Starts to, because first Legolas, then Gimli fetch him a good one with the hilts of their weapons. Gollum screams, then drops to the ground, out cold. I huddle against the wall, banging my head rhythmically against it. I hear Legolas scream. He's always so sexy when he does that. "Not a mary sue, not a mary sue, not a mary sue..." I chant to myself. "They're all ugly, Jenny has bad taste, Arwen must be blind, Rosie is a silly village git, Galadriel is silly, Elrond must be mad, annnndddd, um, I can't actually think of any more, Pippin is mad, Merry is annoying, Sam is a little #####, Frodo is definitely insane 'cause he said he would carry the Ring to Mordor..." It's not working! I get up and stagger blindly into the loungeroom. "Gandalf, you've got to go home! And take all these sexy, no damn it!" I slap myself across the face, "Freaks, yes strange ugly freaks that I am in no way attracted to, in no way at all, back to Middle Earth." I yelp, a little insanely it's true.  
  
But I'm being turned into a mary sue! That is a fate worse then death, but I wouldn't think that when I was one! I look down at myself and shriek. My breasts have grown larger, and my tummy is perfectly flat. I pull my hair around over my shoulder and look at it. It has no split ends and has changed from its usual brown to a platinum blonde. "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!" I feel the tips of my ears. They're pointy. "I don' wanna be an Elf!!" I scream and run into my bedroom and collapse onto the bed. This just keeps getting worse.  
  
I really don't want to be an Elf. They run around being nice to people, and hugging trees and stuff like that. I get up and stride back out to the lounge room. "Right. I need a knife, or a sword or something sharp." The Fellowship stares at me. "A sharp thing so I can cut my hair." Okkkaaayy then. I take Legolas' sword out of his hand, and holding my hair firmly, raise the sword and cut it off. Then it grows back. Longer. And keeps getting longer. Finally, it reaches down to my knees and stops. "Oh foul Author, why hast thou done this to me? Eep!" I clap my hands over my mouth. That was a very mary sueish thing to say. I start feeling insanely attracted to Boromir and under the grasp of a terrible compulsion, though I try to fight it, walk over to him and sit down in his lap and bawl. He pats me on the back, looking helplessly around at the rest of the Fellowship. "I don't want to be an Elvish mary sue. It's...demeaning! I'm sure I have much more intelligence then any Elf, especially Legolas." Legolas humphs. "And really, my hair? Wait a minute, what colour are my eyes?" I swivel and stare at Boromir.  
  
"Blue?"  
  
"What type of blue?"  
  
"Very blue?"  
  
"Christ. Well, maybe if you all go home, I'll go back to being me. I mean, I like me. I'm comfortable. This," I gesture at my mary sue body, "Will take too much time and effort, and I'm not me anymore. I don't look like me." I get up. "Gandalf, guess who showed up? Gollum! So you can experiment on him." Gimli drags Gollum in. Now we're going to have some fun...  
  
  
  
Oh, poor Sandy! I truly think that the Elvish mary sues are the worst ones, though some of the human ones are pretty bad too. Mary sues, mary sues, are you one too? I'm a mary sue, oh, I'm a mary sue. Snehsnehsneh. That's the way the Death of Rats laughs. Except he does in capital, italic letters. SNEH SNEH SNEH. Lol. Any one out there know some good Elvish or Dwarfish swear words? Send 'em to my e-mail address- lady_of_the_crystal_tower@yahoo.com.au. Danke schon! Bye for now, until I decide exactly how to torture Gollum. lol. I like torturing people, but it's the most fun of all to mess with their minds. 


	13. Who is that spunky looking man? And than...

Sorry a million times over about the long wait peoples! But you know how it can be. This fic is nearly over, which will be the first fic I've ever finished! Squuueeeeee! Oh the funness! The sheer ecstatic relief!  
  
Okay, small grey fishy smelling thing in the middle of my lounge room floor, unconscious and dripping ick all over my floor. I am like, so going to enjoy this! Ah! Bad mary sueness! I slap myself, then smile brightly at the rest of the people in the room. "Well? Let's get on with it." Everyone bar Gandalf sits down to watch the show. Gandalf does all these weird passy things and says weird goobleydook, then Gollum vanishes. Well, that was surprisingly easy. I frown winsomely. Something tells me that the Author is not finished yet. "A thought, like, how do we tell if that icky thing, like, went back to its home planet, like?" Slap for you. I slap myself in the face again and wait for the ringing to stop.  
  
"I'll bring it back." Yeah, didn't we want to get rid of the slimy thing? Wait a mo, it was my idea! Gandalf does more wizardly stuff in the voice that sounds like he's stoned. Wait a min, pipe is where? There. Smoking? Yes. Oh fudge. Agh! Where is the swear? Where is the firetrucking swear?! Darn. Ok, small glowing patch of light growing bigger. Then pop! there is a white haired tall sexy guy standing there, instead of what should be there. Namely small grey ugly supposedly masculine thing. But a definite improvement. Then he turns around.  
  
"Ohmigod! Spike! You brought Spike here! Spike the firetrucking vampire, from Sunnydale! William the Bloody! Like, wow!" I jump up and down squealing until I realise everyone is staring at me. Including Spike. I fold my arms over my chest as I am now incredibly aware of larger tits.  
  
"Well, hello luv." Oh the accent is to DIE for. "What the f*** is Bit up to now? Or is it Red?"  
  
"None of them. Gandalf, send him back. Wrong evil guy. At least you managed to pick an attractive one this time." I say crossly.  
  
"Thanks luv. Who are you lot again?"  
  
"Spike also known as William the Bloody, I'm Sandy, and this is the Fellowship of the Ring."  
  
"The what?" Spike looks really confused.  
  
"Never mind. Send him ba...on second thoughts, he can stay here." This sexy guy, I'm keeping.  
  
"No, Lady. He must return to whence he came." Boromir says all serious.  
  
I pout cutely. "All right." Under compulsion of mary sueness, or so I tell myself, I run up and pash the vampire. Then I step back. Gandalf starts all weird stuff again and pop! Spike is gone. Pity. He was incredibly sexy. Must be the vampirishness. Gandalf tries again. Oh, now that right there, that was messed up. "Gandalf, this time it's not even humanoid. It's the Luggage from the Discworld series." If I've ever seen a box with lots of little legs looks confused, this is a very confused box. Oh, it's sweet. "Gandalf, if you don't get this right soon, I'm going to set Missy on you." Gandalf looks scared and the Luggage disappears faster then Spike. Pop!  
  
Sexy looking dark and dangerous man. Then man turns into a big black dog. "Sirius Black! Harry would be ashamed of you!" Why is it that I am constantly thinking sexy man? And the Luggage was cute? The dog whines and turns back into sexy man.  
  
"What am I doing here?" His expression goes all snarly. In fact he actually snarls. Ooo, scaryness. "Is this a plot of Voldemort?"  
  
"No. Byebye! Say hi to Harry for me! My name's Sandy and I'm a fan." Sirius reaches out to me, then goes pop! Pop! Ooo, Darth Vader. Aahhh! Lightsaber thingy! Burning, dangerous lightsaber thingy! Pop! Pop! Gandalf's getting quicker at this. That hair is definitely weird. And those pants look like they've been sprayed on. "Who are you?" I say confused. Who is that guy?  
  
"I am the Goblin King, why have I been summoned?" He notices me and smiles. "But you can call me Jareth."  
  
"Ok, Labyrinth guy. Buybuyyee now!" Pop! "Can we get it right now?" Pop! OK, we now have small grey ugly thing. "Good work Gandalf!"  
  
"Nnnnoooooo! Small biting thing eat precious! Save precious!! Oh gollum, gollum!" Gollum cowers on the floor. "Send precious hhoommmee! Was home, but now am here!"  
  
"That's all we needed to hear. Bye Gollum!" Pop! I rub my arms. "Well, I suppose this means goodbye, then." I run around and kiss the Fellowship. Except for Gandalf and Gimli. Ew, like yuuuccckkk. Don't go there girlfriend! Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. "Here we go, here we go!" I do a weird cheerleader dance then stop and twiddle with my hair. GodDAMN the marysueness all to hell! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! I scream and run full tilt into a wall. I rebound and collapse onto the floor, holding my throbbing head. Owwie, owwie, owwie! And the whole no saying naughty naughty words is annoying me all over. Whatever happened to freedom of speech? "You guys going now?" I say through gritted teeth.  
  
"Thank you for your hospitality, fair lady. Fare thee well." Gandalf bows and gathers the Fellowship around him. Glowingness and they start to fuzz out. Then Missy leaps past me and dives into the white mistyness.  
  
*EELLLLLFFFF!!!!! Gimmegimmegimme!*  
  
"Missy! NO!" I scream as the Fellowship disappears to the sound of Legolas' agonized screams.  
  
*What in the name of Bastet? Mm-*  
  
"Damn it all to hell and back! Give me back my cat!" I start to cry. My poor ickle Missykins. She'd be so lonely and afraid. Then Jenny saunters into the room.  
  
"Hi, where'd the Fellowship go?" She flips her hair. Dear god.  
  
"Home. Get out Jenny. Just go away. I'm so ashamed of the mary sueness of you." Jenny wanders out of the room, and soon I hear the front door slam. Fuck. I grin suddenly. I can swear again! I run to my room and study myself in the mirror. Ok, hair shrinking back to original length, ears round but rest of body shows no sign of change. I can cope. Might be fun to turn up at school this way. I cross my eyes and giggle at my reflection.  
  
Well, really, did you think I'd leave Sandy to her normalness? Maybe I should turn her into a vampire. No, just kidding. Ask any female, we're all dissatisfied. So I leave Sandy with a better body then when she came in. Meh. I'm allowed too, she's my fugging character! Thank you all for sticking this out, amongst my long periods of non-writing nessesesesesss. Neway, be all good peeps! Nearly, nearly done. And besides wouldn't you want to turn up and shock the people you know by turning up marvelously attractive? And then laughing in their faces? I know I would. Hehehehe. Gollum rocks. Let's play with peoples minds. And their souls. Do I have a soul? I can't remember... 


	14. An ending or is it? And mary sueness i...

And now for I think and hope and pray, the last chapter! Except for the diary of Missy. And that's next all you lucky people! Squuuueeee! The fabness! The happiness! Mi friends have been dogging me over getting this done. Hi Guys! Two Towers, Two Towers, oh yeah, oh yeah. Squuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Am majorly blissed out! Went to a movie marathon on Boxing day and saw BOTH movies! One after the other! SSSQQQQQQQQQUUUUUUUEEEEEE!!!!!! Elijah Wood *drool* Orlando *drool* Viggy *drool* Dom *drool* Eomer *drool* Normal healthy female interest, okey dokey? Maybe a little unhealthy-verging-on-obsession but what can you do? I know some one who looks like Lij! But he's only fourteen. *pout* Oh well, my sis can have him. It's really cute, like actually. He calls her his elf chick, and she calls him her hobbit. Aaawww. She's gonna kill me now. Meh. Not if I kill her first! Oh, and she's just started writing on ff.net. With her first fic ever. *sniffs* Her author name is 'an alien from zorbia'. I think. Go and read my little sis's stories! Go now, or I'll set Missy on you! Mwwawahhhaahhaaa!  
  
  
  
A month and a bit later....  
  
"Ish? You here yet?" I drop my school bag and go looking for my boyfriend, Ishmael. It's just such the coolest name. And he's hot too!  
  
"Hey, I'm in here." He's stuck in my family's fridge again.  
  
"Don't you buy food?" I say, amused. He's 19, just starting Uni and has his own flat, sorta. He shares it with a cousin and a weird guy. Well, the cousin's weird too, but he comes from New Zealand so you have to make allowances. He's half sheep, after all. But for some reason, Ish is always in my fridge.  
  
"No. But I actually came to see you. The food was just a bonus." He straightens up and smiles at me. Drool. The whole mary sue body thing is annoying at times, but I can live it. It was one of the funniest things ever when I turned up at school. It was like instant popularity, just add blonde and stir. Not that I've stopped being me. I just laughed in all their faces and told them to f*** off. I've never seen so many tonsils before. And the enraged screaming was also amusing. "How was school?"  
  
"School was school was school. But some more guys hit on me, so you'll have to go talk to them." He growls and comes over and picks me up. He's very protective. It's nice, but also annoying at times. "Put me down Ish." He smells good. He carefully puts me down on the floor, then I walk up to my room, dragging my schoolbag along with me. I walk in the door and flick the radio on. I have found my tastes in music have switched from soft rock and ska to the top forty type of stuff. Weird side effects of a mary sue body. I even like Britney Speares, though I am working on this sad, sad effect of mary sueness.  
  
I strip, throwing my school uniform on the floor and hunt in my wardrobe for clothes. I can wear all this stuff now! But I will never lower myself to the level that I wear peasant style clothing. Ever. I keep having these urges to buy the wretched things, but I manage to defeat it. There are some bad things to this whole mary sue thing, but with the help of good therapy, I will overcome. We wii-lll ovveerr-ccoooommmmmeeee! Keep that thought in mind Sandy, when you keep having urges to flick your hair and bat your eyelashes. Clothes, clothes, clothes. Then I feel arms around me and a warm mouth kissing my neck. "I hope to god that's you Ish, and whoever you are, get the f*** out of my bedroom. I'm trying to dress here!" He chuckles and licks my pulse point. "Go, out!" He sighs noisily then leaves the room. I chuckle and drag out my jeans and a top. I have only just started pulling up my jeans, when I feel a weirdness at my back. I turn and gape in astonishment as a small white mist begins to form over my bed. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I shriek.  
  
"Sandy! What's wrong?!" Ish comes barelling up the hallway. A hand holding a snarling Missy (WHAT?!) and covered in bleeding scratches extends from the middle of the circle.  
  
*BIIIITTTTTTEEEEEE!!!!!! Let go let go let go! Gandalfhuman will die!* The hand drops Missy on my bed, and hurriedly withdraws into the white mists. Missy leaps for the hand but as she nears it, the mist fades out and Missy goes into my bookcase.  
  
"Missy! My poor baby girl, what have they done to you?" I climb over the bed and pick her up.  
  
*Sandyhuman! Finally, a human who knows her place. Thank Bastet for that.* Missy purrs in my arms. Ish is gaping in astonishment behind me.  
  
"Um. I didn't tell you exactly how and why my cat disappeared, did I?" He shakes his head mutely. Missy starts to stare hungrily at him.  
  
*New boyfriend? Mmmmmmm.*  
  
I sit and stroke Missy, who arches her back in enjoyment. "Well, about a month ago, I was reading a book on my bed when I was transported to Middle Earth. This was because of Gandalf, who was stoned. Then he transported the entire Fellowship of the Ring, plus me, here. Remember, the Lord of the Rings movies? Have you read the books?"  
  
"Yeah, but how am I expected to believe that this really happened?"  
  
"You have just seen a cat appear from a glowing white mist. What other example do you need?" I huff angrily at his disbelieving expression. "Here, I have a little souviner that Aragorn gave me. I haven't been able to get it changed yet. I get up from the bed, draping Missy over my shoulder and dig around in my top desk drawer. "Here it is." I give him the gold Gondorian Noble. He turns it over in his hands and examines it sceptically.  
  
"Mmhmm."  
  
"You are a silly person who obviuosly doesn't beleive the evidence of his senses. What other proof do you need?" I ask, holding onto Missy who is vibrating strangely and tensing her leg muscles.  
  
*Mmmmm, hungry. Wonder what he tastes like?* Missy stares at Ish fixedly. *No more elfs, no more Legolaself to bite. No more hobbitthingies either. Sadness.* Missy leaps off my lap and onto Ish, and bites him.  
  
"HOLY FUCK!!!! GET THIS THING OFFA ME!!!" Ish screams and falls backwards. Missy sits on his chest and licks her lips.  
  
*As good as Hobbit. Even as good as Mrfrodohobbit. MMMMmmMMMMMmmmm. Moremoremoremore!* Missy goes to bite him again, but I grab her off Ish.  
  
"What the fuck is that thing?" Ish says as he scrambles to his feet.  
  
*Wonder what his ankles taste like?*  
  
"I told you, this is my cat, Missy. Oh, you lost your collar, baby girl." I fuss over her.  
  
*For what we are about to receive, Bastet, make us truly thankful.* Missy escapes my arms and bites Ish again. On the ankle for variety. I grab her as he scrambles away. It's rather amusing, but not as amusing as watching Legolas cower. *Mmmmmm. Better.*  
  
"Missy! Mine not yours! Mine!" I look deeply into her eyes to enforce the message. "No more biting." Ish stares at me disbelievingly.  
  
*Alright. Well, maybe just on special occasions.* Missy looks penitenet.  
  
"Good. We understand each other then. Don't worry, she's just a little possessive." I reassure Ish. He doesn't look reassured. "Christ." I notice that I am only half dressed. I grab a top and do up my jeans. "So are we going to that movie or not?" I grin and he nods slowly. "Coolies! Missy, be good." I slip on some shoes and grab my handbag. "We go?" He smiles and nods. We walk out the door together, as I give Missy one last reassuring pat. "Oh, wait a sec!" I rummage through my bag. "I got this for your birthday Missy, and I've had it on me ever since. Seeing as how you've lost your collar somewhere, it's a good present. There you go." I fasten a new collar around her neck. "You look gorgeous, Missy. See ya later, ok, baby?" Missy purrs and goes to look herself over in the mirror.  
  
"You talk to that cat as though it could understand you." Ish says as we get in his car. I love this whole older boyfriend thing. Car, money, status, prestige. It's all round nice.  
  
"She can." Ish just shrugs his shoulders as he starts the car. "Don't fight?"  
  
"No fighting."  
  
"What are we going to see?"  
  
"Maybe the Twin Towers movie, I thought."  
  
"Cool." I nod as we drive off. The actors don't look anything like the real thing, but hey. Lord of the Rings still rocks! I decide not to call his attention to the large dragon overhead, or the guy with the blond hair, pointy ears, bow and confused expression.  
  
  
  
  
  
Finally, an ending! Hoorah! *cheers of jubliation* First fic ever ended. Thanks to all my reviewers, I love you all for sticking through the really long period when I wrote nothing. *sniffles* You're all so nice. And sweet. *cries* I love you all! Missy says hi. If I ever get more then fifty reviews, I'll consider writing a sequel. If you're really nice. But only if I get over fifty. Next up, the very private diaries of Missy. And if you haven't read the very private diaries of the Fellowship, you should do that now. Thanks to my sis and my friend who gave me the idea in the first place. And so on. See yas! Go read my other fics now! 


	15. The Very Private Diaries of Missy, the c...

I have been inspired! Welcome to the Very Private Diary of Missy. Inspired by the Very Private Diaries of the Fellowship.  
  
  
  
Day 1. Ate Mouse. Was a v. skinny mouse, but tasted good. Decided to catch another one later.  
  
Day 2. Chased child. Did not catch, but did bite on ankle. Child screamed. Was fun!  
  
Day 3. Went to vet's. Was v. bad. Got a shot, and it hurt. Have decided that I am prettiest cat anywhere after seeing poor ugly unfortunates at vet.  
  
Day 4. Chased Sandyhuman's boyfriend around house. Caught him. He tasted good. Am still prettiest cat. No one can beat me. I am prettiest, with best fur. And best eyes. Sandyhuman says I am a good girl. And a gorgeous girl. Go me!  
  
Day 50. Have decided that humans are fun to chase. They scream and run away, which is fun. Am still prettiest cat, because I ripped that pushy Siamese's ears to shreds. I win! The name of the game is, I win. Because I am the prettiest. Hehe!  
  
Day 135. Had bath. My fur is lovely and conditioned. I smell v. good. I like baths. Am still prettiest cat anywhere. My Sandyhuman agrees.  
  
Day 247. Got new collar! It is sparkly. I like it lots. It's blue and goes well with my fur and eyes. Makes me even prettier. Am still prettiest kitten\cat anywhere. Beat up uppity Russian Blue who tried to pretend it was prettiest cat anywhere. Is not v. pretty any more. Sandyhuman got a new boyfriend. Not any more she don't! He didn't taste as good as the last one. I don't think he washed his hair very often.  
  
Day 720. Elves taste good. I like Elves. Chased Legolaself. Elves taste v. good. Weird human asleep on my bed. He smells bad. I bit him, and he didn't wake up. Dwarves smell v. bad. Hobbits taste ok, but not as good as Elf. V. greasy human and another human besides the bed stealer. Weird little Hobbit with frying pans v. protective of another Hobbit it calls Mr. Frodo. Have noticed it eyeing off anyone who tries to get close to this Mr. Frodo. Is v. amusing. I think this Samhobbit will kill anyone who tries anything. Sandyhuman took all of them out except the sleeping one.  
  
Later that day... Found weird fishy smelling thing. Bit it. Tasted bad! V. v. bad. It screamed out all weird things about it's precious and Bagginses. Whatever a Bagginses is. It ran into the bathroom and hid. I tried to get it out, but it wouldn't come out. Decided to go find Sandyhuman because I was bored and hungry.  
  
Even later... Found Sandyhuman. Bit Legolaself again. He still tastes good. Bit some weird humans too. They tasted different to other humans I have bit. Salty. Ate a cheeseburger and chicken nuggets. Got an icecream. I like icecream. Went home.  
  
Later then that... Sandyhuman found the fishything in the bathroom. She screamed, then the Legolaself and the Gimlidwarf bashed it on the head. It screamed. I bit it, then bit Legolaself. He screamed. Then they all went away. I decided to go with them, I wanted to find out if other Elves taste as good as Legolaself.  
  
Day 733. It's true. Other Elves do taste as good as Legolaself. This one called Elrond tastes extra good. So does this Arwenelf. When I bit the Arwenelf, Aragornhuman tried to hit me. Bit him. V. greasy. Does he never wash? I have decided that Orcs taste worse then the fishything. Goblins are yummy though. All crunchy, and they scream wonderfully. I miss Sandyhuman. Am still prettiest. I haven't seen any other cats though. Maybe are no other cats. Am prettier then all the Elves. I have a sparkly collar.  
  
Day 752. Legolaself stole my collar! I bit him v. hard. He screamed and ran away. Am still prettiest. Bit Gimlidwarf too, but had to spend a long time washing mouth out. Eventually bit greasyhuman, the Aragornhuman to get rid of taste. Did not work. Bit Gandalfhuman to get rid of taste. Did not work. Could not find an Elf anywhere! Bit Mrfrodohobbit to get rid of taste. Did work. Got bashed on head by Samwisehobbit. Bit him. He tasted v. good. Better then the other hobbits.  
  
Day 756. Am now back home because I bit Gandalfhuman too often. And I scratched his wooden stick thingy. He is very possessive of his staffstick. Sandyhuman was v. glad to see me. Bit her new boyfriend. Tasted as good as Hobbit. Wonder if I will ever find another Elf. Am now addicted to Elves. Am v. bored. Decided to beat up Rotweiller next door. Won. Am still prettiest. Chased little white cat out of street because it said it was the prettiest. It was wrong. I am prettiest cat anywhere. Go me! Will now go chase mice, they squirm and taste good. Have new collar. Is even better collar then before. Has diamantes. It is leopard print. Sandyhuman says it looks good. I am so the prettiest! Much, much prettier then that Legolaself. Stupid Elf, stole my old collar. But I have a new one! Yay!  
  
Well, what do you think? This is probably the first last and only one of these I'll do. Well, now I have to finish my Sandy story, so I can post this. 


End file.
